Ready to see what I'm scared to see

Okay, I'm ready to see what I'm scared to see. You know, what do I know that I don't want to know? So I went to my first retreat with Adyashanti. This was right after my second awakening, major awakening experience.

Two weeks after my second awakening experience. You know, we don't have to go into too much detail, but basically, I was on the second day there, and he said, You can walk around and look at all the beautiful gardens and all the pretty plants and the ocean and the sand, or you can stop where you are and you can go deep inside and become aware of what you don't want to be aware of. I had had an awake, my second awakening, which involved a huge heart-opening experience two weeks prior. Then basically just walking around and kind of la-la, blissed out, totally content.

Everything was shiny and bright and super vivid for the last two weeks. And I was like, oh, he's talking to me. That's interesting. I was like, okay, so I went out after lunch and I went behind the cafeteria.

There was like this little area with like benches, this deck area by the trash cans where all the staff went to smoke cigarettes. And I just went and sat there and meditated. And I just said to the, you know, to my body and to the universe, I was like, okay, I'm ready to see what I'm scared to see. You know, what do I know that I don't want to know?

And then I became aware of what I've been running from for the past seven years, which was my experience of emptiness from my first awakening and that.