Every Relationship Ends: Grieving the Small Losses All Day

So if you have what is called inhibited grieving. meaning you are unable to grieve in a healthy way loss. then you are constantly having these very micro points of friction and resistance and anxiety and tension all day long. And then it's causing your nervous system and your sense of self and your sense of confidence to be insecure and rocky.

That's because you're unable to handle these very small You are a paradox. You are both human and spirit at the same time. Everyday life is a paradox. right?

We cannot be happy without sad. We can't have bitter without sweet. We can't feel relaxed without feeling anxious. right?

Because every human experience is occurring within duality. within a point of a spectrum between two different extremes or polarities. thus the paradox. So if I say I'm anxious on a 7 out of 10.

it means I'm relaxed at a 3 out of 10 and I'm anxious at a 7. right? Depending on which way you look at it. Same with happy.

I'm happy at a 7 out of 10 means I'm sad at a 3 out of 10. right? It's just how it works. And so to be fully human.

we must learn to embrace. hold. and embody paradox and think within paradox and live from paradox. right?

It's like Walt Whitman said. Do I contradict myself? Of course I do. I am vast.

I contain multitudes. We are all like that. If we try to not contradict ourselves. if we try to live in a singular way.

then we can only find ourselves living a lie and being inauthentic. To be fully human. to be fully conscious. we must learn to think in and as paradox.

Awakening to our true nature bestows on us the ability to more fully hold and think and navigate within paradox. Fully differentiating from our parents and healing our early childhood attachment. mother and father wounds. right.

allows us to live from and think in paradox. If we desperately cling to the rules and definitions of love that were given to us or taught us in childhood. then we will live inauthentically. We will not be aligned with ourselves.

but also we will be unable to hold paradox. And what will happen is we will switch from one side of the paradox to the other side and back and forth. I'm happy. I'm sad.

I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm sad.

Neither are true. You are neither happy nor sad. You are somewhat happy and somewhat sad. That is how it is.

You are somewhat young and somewhat old. You are somewhat awake and somewhat tired. It just depends on the perspective. Comes back to a thing we've talked about before.

which is no truth or no perspective is in and of itself true. meaning it is always dependent on everything else to be true. And though it may be true in one moment. it may not then be true in the next moment.

So. once again. paradox. So.

all of life is all of life. Okay. all of life is relationship. right?

You started listening to this video. watching this video. you and I are having a relationship. Once you decide to swipe from the video.

then the relationship ends. right? You wake up in the morning and say hi to your partner. your relationship begins.

You enjoy breakfast together. you go to work. your relationship ends. You get back from work.

you see your partner again. your relationship begins again. You see? Relationship is constant.

it's constantly being born. it's constantly alive. and it's constantly dying. Every time a relationship goes through a cycle of life.

meaning birth. life. death. emptiness.

rebirth. that needs to be grieved. right? We have to go through the grieving cycle for the loss of every relationship.

Because we are constantly having relationships all the time. then we are constantly going through the grieving cycle all the time. So if you have what is called inhibited grieving. meaning you are unable to grieve in a healthy way loss.

then you are constantly having these very micro points of friction and resistance and anxiety and tension all day long. And then it's causing your nervous system and your sense of self and your sense of confidence to be insecure and rocky. That's because you're unable to handle these very small grief cycles. And then when larger losses occur.

like periods of transition or the loss of a pet or whatever it could be. or the loss of a romantic relationship. then you see that you're unable to recover or heal from those losses. right?

So that's a sign that you don't have healthy grieving. that you have inhibited grieving. Healthy grieving. most people.

especially that I've worked with in the past. they don't have healthy grieving. They have what's called inhibited grieving. I also.

I also. before I did a lot of healing and work. had inhibited grieving. Now I have.

I would say. very healthy grieving. So inhibited grieving is when you have a negative relationship or a repression of one of more or more of the emotions in the grieving cycle. So the typical emotions in the grieving cycle by my definition are the grieving cycle goes fear.

fear. shame. anger. sadness.

emptiness. relief. Right? That's the simplified version.

So if any of those emotions you have repressed or have a strong negative relationship with. then you will struggle with what's called inhibited grieving. And so what that means is if you say the grieving cycle is a circle. right?

So say that this bell is the grieving cycle. and you go. up. you're going along the grieving cycle.

your birth. life. death. And when you get to death.

you have to go through the death. the dying emotion. So fear. shame.

anger. sadness. Say you hit anger and you're avoidant of anger because you're a nice person. you're a people pleaser.

You hit anger and you go. I'm not an angry person. and I'm not going to be angry at the person that left me because that's scary. So then you leave the grieving cycle.

You jump out of it. right? And you go into an addictive pattern of behavior and you avoid the loss. That's called inhibited grieving.

And then you do that over and over again. thousands and thousands and thousands of times. Some of the consequences are. um.

you know. not learning from your mistakes. struggling with romantic relationships. struggling with um emotional depth or emotional intimacy.

Those are some of the main symptoms or issues. problems that occur from inhibited grieving. Um so one of the things that I teach in uh the Liquid Armature and the Theory of One and Two. and that's based on my two.

my my three-dimensional model. which is the Liquid Armature. and then the um theory. which is the Theory of One and Two.

is the importance of moving from inhibited grieving to healthy grieving and of having a positive relationship with each emotion in the grieving cycle. right? And so I strongly recommend that you identify what is your relationship with each of the emotions in the grieving cycle. and then see.

is the relationship one of repression. avoidance. or self-attack. or negative relationship.

or is it positive. right? My guess is it's most likely negative. If it's negative.

then we want to then begin to change your relationship with that emotion in the grieving cycle from negative to neutral to positive. And that is done through curiosity. learning where. what you were taught about that emotion and if you still believe it.

what are your experiences like with that emotion. and also just exposing yourself to the energy and the body sensations of that emotion as it arises in the body. Okay. so we're doing another tea here.

I'm drinking Don Kong tea. It's called Hidden Cave Don Kong by One River. They're a great tea company out of China. This tea is excellent.

I'm pouring it everywhere. If you have any questions about the emotions in the grieving cycle or about changing your experience from inhibited grieving to healthy grieving. then please write a question in the comments below and I will answer it. Great.

You can also go to our website if you want and learn more about all of this there. Another good way to transform your relationship with different emotions. specifically emotions that you have a negative relationship with. is to learn to cultivate loving kindness practice.

so a sense of unconditional self-love. And then once you're able to regularly connect and access that regular experience of self-love. what you want to do is do one of my guided practices where you identify and cultivate a place in your body that's a safe point in your body. So there's three places I recommend.

which is where your neck meets the back of your head. right? That point where you're right at the base of your skull. Two inches below the heart and right in front of the spine.

And then also two inches below the belly button. right in front of the spine. So each of those three places are places that I recommend you practice keeping your attention in those places while meditating. And then those can be kind of safe spots for you then to reach out and relate to different body sensations or aspects within your body.

So for example. once you have those safe spots and you've cultivated a certain level of self-unconditional love or loving kindness. then what you would do is say if you were working on healing your relationship with anger. what you would want to do is bring up a memory or a current event that makes you angry or frustrated.

and then feel that feeling of anger in your chest. like a sense of heat or tightness or movement. or maybe it's painful. and then relate to it.

say. from that spot that I described in your abdomen in front of your spine behind the belly button two inches down. And so you have that spot. say.

which is here. and then the anger sensation. which is here. right?

And so then you have. what we have as a paradox again. And you have these two things. And then the loving-kindness energy is the whole field.

So you're holding your safe place. right. and the anger body sensations within the field of loving-kindness. And when you do all three of those at once.

it rapidly heals the relationship with anger. So that is what I would do. One thing to be aware of with this is that you don't want to merge with you don't want to merge with the anger of the body sensations. Meaning often when people go to process emotion.

what they do is they notice the anger arises and then they go right to the anger and then try and then they become the anger. That's not what I recommend you do. That just leads to a continuation of the pattern of emotion dysregulation. Instead.

we want to maintain a sense of conscious choice and agency throughout the process of emotion regulation. So you are that spot in your abdomen. You are choosing to connect and look at and feel the anger in your chest. And then you can move closer or move farther away to control the intensity of the anger.

That preserves your agency. your sense of control. and will lead you to learn to go from emotion dysregulation to emotion regulation.