A false sense of control

I became very good at concentration practice and it was using that concentration practice to exert a false. sense of control over my own inner world and inner narrative I had a very large first spiritual awakening on the level of mind that lasted about four months. And then my identity came back, my sense of self came back into the space and emptiness that was created or kind of opened up from the awakening. And it got very scared because it realized that it wasn't real and it lost pieces of itself, right?

The old self was no longer as functional or as strong or believable as it was before the awakening. And so, then, in that fear, it attempted to or successfully re-grabbed hold of my conscious experience and used the awakening and the abilities, so to speak, or states that were produced by the awakening, specifically on the level of mind, such as the creation of the witness position, to bypass and avoid my own emotional and human vulnerability and also continue the old my old childhood trauma patterns of emotion dysregulation, where I would actively try to repress and avoid any negative emotions or emotions that would be perceived as weak or vulnerable by other people.

And that went on for about seven years. Without me knowing it. I became very good at concentration practice and it was using that concentration practice to exert a false. sense of control over my own inner world and inner narrative