Is the space in my head my friend

Is the space in my head my friend? Or is the space in my head my enemy? When I hold both poles of the paradox at the same time, what I notice is this initial impulse to choose. I want to pick one or the other.

I don't care which. I fear the lack of control and uncertainty that is brought up by the paradox and would prefer either side. And when I stay, then that initial gut reaction, so to speak, or the impulse, impulsivity is a better word, falls away. And then I'm left with this growing tension, as if it's a dam that has too much water pushing against it and it's about to break, kind of tension, building, building.

And then if I continue to stay and then maybe even relax a little bit, notice I'm kind of not breathing very deeply or holding it all too tightly. And then I relax a little bit. What I find is a sense of sadness and vulnerability and this subtle urge to cry.